MARRIAGE - 2

“Marriages are made in heaven but entire hell breaks out on earth.”
To observe your society is one of most fascinating phenomena. And that too be born in a generation which has so much to choose and so many forces acting against it , is even more thrilling. We – the middle class urban young generation – pompously call ourselves Gen X. but one issue which has confused us the most is marriage and to witness so many varying and mutually contrasting cases happening all around me has made me sit on my computer after so many days to finally write again for my blog.. :)
Let me start with few practical examples, I witnessed around me:
1. Guy falls in love with the girl and after few meetings both are continuously in and out of love. They fight; decide to call off the relationship and with insatiable desire of love come together again. Finally guy decides to end it but is still the end?? Confusion prevails though the search is on.
2. Guy falls in love with a girl. Guy is Bihari and girl is gujju. They met on orkut, after few chats on G talk liked each other. The phone conversations increased the bond and few meetings increased the intimacy. Both were in deep love and decided to run away, if parents don’t agree. But parents put emotional and social pressure on girl; she succumbs and agrees for the boy of their choice. Later her groom turns out to be of criminal background and she is devastated. The guy is on for search again.
3. Guy is against love and all crap. Somehow a girl on net clicks her. After orkut, G talk and phone talks they meet and love kindles in barren heart. Beauty with brains, that too in same caste and a good salary package what more guy could have asked? But when matter reached family, Mangal appeared on the scene as villain. With her son adamant, mother finally agreed after lot of reluctance. While the couple was getting intimate with love, mothers were brewing some other conspiracy. Their hard work paid and with questions of respect and honour the alliance withered away.
4. Girl is a Rajput and guy is a Vaishya (speaking in colonial sense). Guy is a comp engg in L&T and girl is a software engg in TCS. After a long relationship from school days till they both got into jobs, finally they approached their parents. Guy’s family approached girl parents and they instantly agreed for a good, dowry less marriage never realizing they have more people to answer to! Girls Mama instantly roared against the proposal , citing issues of honor and respect again. How can we give our girl to a lower caste shudra!!! (But the guy is a computer engg, no?). The alliance was called off.
5. They were deeply in love. And they were smart – both well educated, rich and more so of the same caste. But alas after marriage the dream shattered and guy sarcastically remarks- “why do people oppose love marriage? Once married, they will as such get sick of each other.”

The examples can continue, but the essence is the fight of ideology between two generations. The changing equations of our society which have placed love against caste honour, the horoscope against the compatibility, the society against the individual and children against their parents. What’s more successful – haven’t we heard that there are more divorces in love marriage. Is not arrange marriage better where love grows slowly with care and companionship? Or love never grows; two individuals just share common space, with little affection for each other?

Few months back I came across a book “marriage and Morals “by B Russel and it was like an eye opener. It made me realize that especially in India; we live a life which can at best be defined as hypocritical. With an ever increasing influence of capitalism, we are becoming consumerist but still want to cling to our old traditions. In the bargain we are taking the worse of both the system, instead of better! No wonder this traditional outlook and modern in thinking generation of ours is fooling ourselves and everyone around us. The taste and happiness of a good marriage has given way to a cold alliance and a burden of compromise.
So is there something wrong, are we becoming better or worse? One can look it both ways depending on his/her outlook. But a recent remark by one of my uncles to his daughter bewildered me, when he said “Love marriage is a selfish individualistic attitude by people who don’t care about their family and society.” This made me think and finally I realized relations and particularly marriage is also a part of human evolution and development. It is bound to change with changing socio-economic conditions and is a great mirror to prevailing ideologies in a society. This made me think of few old systems and the position and importance of marriage in them. This is a summary of the development I observed:-
1. In the starting days, man had no idea of how children are born. Relations were promiscuous and there was no concept of marriage. The condition prevailed in small groups.
2. Next came the concept of family, with the issue of private ownership at its base .Man started having his property and thus his own family. Since the concept was based on man, polygamy was accepted norm and society changed from matriarchal to patriarchal. The outlook of man was limited, he was still growing and became aware of the fact that babies are not sent by God. The man was the hunter and woman child bearer. The expectations were few and there was no disorder.
3. With the next stage of development, things changed drastically. Now there were two classes with different norms and ways of living. Thus their marriages were also different. The lower strata married, so that they can get a wife who can do all the household work, serve him properly and bring up his children. It is in this age that position of women came down badly. She was just little above a servant, always working under husbands thumb. In the higher strata of the society, that is nobles and kings, the purpose of marriage was different. By marrying their children they used to form a new alliance, develop friendship and show off their money and power. Though the position of women was better in this section, still they lacked any actual power. They were like dolls, beautiful well groomed with no powers and little intellect.
4. In a feudal society the concept was little different from the previous one. The position of women became worse, as she served both her husband and landlord. Burdened with hard work, debt and other evils her life became horrific. The upper strata marriage concept was again based on forming alliance. Instead of the union of two individuals it was the union of two families (as we still say in India). In this union the welfare of individuals was never the issue. The main issues were how much dowry can be given, what is the social position of the family, how the alliance will benefit both the families. In India the marriages are still following this trend. Dowry is a very big consideration. While many people maintain different relations in their teenage time and younger times, they prefer arrange marriage. The issue of mutual compatibility of two partners is given least consideration, and a gamble is played with a thing like marriage. But the issue is why these marriages were so successful earlier? One of my aunts told me during their times girls were very obedient and tried to compromise with whatever prevailing conditions in their in-laws house. While these days, girls are arrogant and uncompromising. And when I asked whether her compromise was willing or forced, she just kept quiet. The anger in her eyes said it all. It was an accepted norm that women have to adjust compromise and settle themselves in their new environment. Their own emotional, physical and all other needs were secondary to bound to be sacrificed at the altar of family. It was an alliance based on subjugation of the weaker partner and though there were elements of love in it, the bases were compromise and not love. The women were kept under the thumb of man and the family prevailed. But then why there were no divorces? The reason is for a woman who was not economically and socially independent, divorce was never an option. With the coming of this independence, divorce has become an option to come out of this mess and many women are exercising it.

5. This brings us to the next stage of marriage – the love marriage of our present generation, which I will define as capitalistic marriage. Many people argue that divorce rates are more in love marriages. There are two reasons for it. A girl going for love marriage is independent and eager to take her own decisions. In case her marriage doesn’t work her independent mind gives her the courage to walk out of such a sick alliance. But then why it doesn’t work- after all it was love marriage? The reason is prevailing consumerist attitude of ours. Our present capitalist system teaches us to be selfish and we apply this rule even to relationships. Today’s love is not based on mental compatibility; it is based on physical attraction, social position and wealth of the beloved. Girls “want” to fall in love not with a good natured person but with an IIT-IIM guy. But do they teach how to work out successful marriages in these institutes? I wonder NO! Guys look out for a beautiful girl, with a good job and rich father. Any relationship which is based on a short term gratification of material desires are bound to lose their sheen sooner or later. And this is what happens with our present love marriages.
(I left in between to write about the “ideal” marriage. In the meantime, the cases of ‘honor killing’ have filled the media. Though they were happening all around since some time, what caught attraction of the media was the killing of one of their fellow journos. The killing of a well educated girl with a good job, having a live-in relationship with her boyfriend, 12 weeks pregnant by her well educated mother is brutal. And in 3 days may be some 10 cases filled up the media around us! All cases inspired by the 1st case? Definitely not, it’s just media got some respite from IPL and our dear politicians to show some “other” stories too. But the number shows that such cases are happening at an alarming rate. And the worst sufferer is young girls, who are sacrificed at the altar of family’s honor. To make the matters worse, corruption and good links ensure that all these murders are made suicides. And then our great Khap Panchayats, who never raise a voice about social problems as worse as female feticide, are supported by great Jindals and Chautalas on the issues of brutal killings of young couples.
Why this intolerance? The simple reason is while the liberalization of our economy raised the lust for money, it did nothing to educate us on social issues. The result is a deadly cocktail of feudal, colonial and capitalistic values in our society today. Parents are happy when their children attain good scores and jobs, because that’s the ticket for big bucks. But when it comes to marriage, they want the existing rules to continue as it gives the sense of power and authority. And anyone who defies this norm is dealt with severely. However the trend can’t continue for long. It has to give way to the changing socio-economic conditions. Young people, armed with social and economic independence, can’t be reined by values which have lost all their meaning today. )

6. Coming back to our original topic, now I want to define something called “ideal” marriage. And I will agree with most of the people here, that practically there is nothing called ideal in this world. What we have is a perfect picture in front of us and what should aim for, is to always strive for that ideal. Marriages like any other relationship are to be worked upon and not just left to stagnate. There is nothing called “happy everafter” because a relationship has to go through its ups and downs and this only adds taste to it. What’s the value of laughter without tears?
Family is a small segment of society and is a reflection of its values and culture. For a happy family, the prevailing socio-economic conditions should be at least comfortable. With a 12 hour job, office politics, lust for money and power- there is hardly anytime left to work upon your marriage.
Even the first stage – that’s the selection of partner is faulty. In my view, the only thing we should look in our partner is compatibility. Though your taste may differ, but the basic things –like your aim in life, your principles and goals should be common. Else, while one considers money most important and other person gives it least importance, it’s a path to sure shot failure. The “love” should be a feeling born out of closeness and compatibility, not out of looks and money. Only a love based on fundamental values will last for long. And it’s only this love which can drive a person for a successful and happy marriage.