LOVE ACTUALLY

PART I

Note: All the scientific data is not writer’s personal opinion. It is taken from Nat geo channels program, "Naked Science" and Nat geo magazine (Feb 2006), article "Love" by Lauren Slater with the input from writers environment.

What is Love? One can get thousands of answers for this one word. It’s a feeling which has disturbed every person at least once in his/her life. Its the feeling which brings the most out of a person by making him extra active and which can doom a person by making him totally reactive. Behind every successful man there is a woman and the same stands for every unsuccessful one. Love brings the best out of a person and also the worst. It’s the feeling which makes even Vishwamitra give up his goal in life and it’s the same feeling which makes Romeo Juliet the most loved story of all times. Just look around you and you can find thousands of people "madly" in love and an equal or greater than that sick due to love. It can show new frontiers of joy and at the same time new frontiers of melancholy. It’s the best feeling a person experiences in his lifetime and also the worst.



PART II

I have one friend who was the saint in true sense ( ya ya more than me). Always immersed in his studies, he used to just follow his daily routine from dawn to dusk. All this before he got infected by the bug called lovesickness. Everyone could witness a new sense of joy, liveliness and energy in him. His grim face started bearing an evergreen smile. The most studious guy of our class became a Casanova. The guy who used to clear all our doubts in studies now had just one solution for every problem-"Experience the true love”. But then something happened to the "true love" and we could witness a new sinusoidal wave of happiness and sadness in his daily life. Whatever the factors, finally the story ended with making him more serious than ever before.

So is love the evergreen feeling which gives the meaning to our life or it’s just a physical attraction which ends after sometime. Is it the force which drives us to experience the new wonders of life or its an infatuation which ends with a state of misery and sometimes even depression. What drives the true love- the attraction towards opposite sex or the companionship to share our life with our better half. Is it the union of two bodies driven by genes to carry on the process of human reproduction or the union of two souls for eternity?

Let’s enter the realm of science to answer the questions regarding one of the most complex feelings of humans. Firstly there is a great difference between love and lust. Lust is driven by our old genetic habits of mating to reproduce. It’s the instinct to carry forward the human race. Its one of the most primitive desires, the animal instinct as it was actually present when human brain was same as that of other animals. Thus it is triggered by physical parameters which actually denote how healthy the partner is. Lust involves very small bond ship and is driven by a short term goal. Lust is the sudden out burst of Adrenaline. Since Adrenaline outflow is increased by the feelings of anxiety, fear there are more chances of physical intimacy when such feelings are present. To prove this scientists asked one girl to stand first on a high, narrow bridge and later on a low, flat bridge. She was asked to give her number to all the guys passing through those bridges. And the response from the narrow bridge was 3 times more!
But since Adrenalin is a short lived hormone the effect of Lust is short lived and doesn’t bring any feeling of intimacy or bond ship. While it excites the brain highly it never gives that "Good' feeling, which only love can give. Lust is the aim of the pleasure seeking part of the brain.

PART III


Love is a different feeling all together. It brings the feeling of ecstasy and exhilaration, a new meaning to the life. Things which used to matter most take a back seat while things, which you always considered stupid, become most important to you. The romantic novels, movies which used to be time wastage once become the most enjoyable thing. A continuous smile covers the face and small jokes become hilarious. The body is filled with a new vigor and energy. There is a saying , love and "Mamta" are the two feelings which make a person blind. A person in love is in a "Trans" state, something akin to drugs. His only wish is that this dream should never end. And for all this energy, ecstasy one should say thanks to Dopamine. "In the right proportions Dopamine creates intense energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation to win rewards. It is why when you are newly in love , you can stay up all the night, watch the sun rise, run a race, ski fat down a slope ordinarily too steep for your skill. Love makes you bold, makes you bright, makes you run real risks, which you sometimes survive and sometimes do not."

But the question is what triggers love. Why do you feel in love with only that one person and not with thousands of others around you? This is the most complex part and countless theories can be given on this subject. This can be attributed greatly to our genes. All of us admire one or the other traits in other human beings. For some it is beauty, for some intelligence. Some of us admire introverts and some extroverts. You may even lack this trait yourself but your sub conscious mind admires this trait and thus the theory opposite type attracts each other. And since more often than not, we started admiring these traits in our parents it explains the theory of Freud. And since we are acquiring this trait from our very initial experiences as a child it satisfies the theory of Jung that “passion is driven by some kind of collective unconscious". And thus people fall in love with those who give them a feeling of "feels right" or "feels similar". And since these traits are different from person to person that is why the person you love may not necessarily love you! As the traits which he admires may not be present in you .Moreover once you propose to some person that person may feel to be superior to you and thus can not fall in love with you. The same thing happens when somebody else proposes to you, but since you cannot find that superior trait in that person, you may also not find your "true love" in that person. And this satisfies the theory that the person you love may not love you, and you may not love the person who is in love with you. Sounds confusing? Blame our subconscious mind! So love is only developed when both people find the traits in their partners. Now lets look what happens in love?


PART IV


When in love, the person feels the eternal bliss, the beauty and happiness of life. Love becomes everything in life. No wonder we often hear, “Darling you are everything in my life, I will die without you.” Hello, what about your parents and friends? Love occupies the entire mind; the person losses the logic and he cant differentiate what is good and what is bad in his partner. He feels his partner to be picture perfect with whom he will spend his entire life in love and happiness. He ignore his friends, family and everything just love and pure love! What gives love this awful power? No it’s not your dedication in love, its serotonin imbalance. Yes this makes you that feel good factor and that “trans” state. The person in love is similar to person addicted to drugs. And that is why when this beautiful dream appears to shatter that sick feeling comes. This is the reason people find it impossible to get out of love, to accept the end of their relationship. They feel that eternal pain, there is nothing interesting left in life, world becomes a haunting place and memories only companion with a pain. With some people things don’t end here, while some kill the people who “ditched” them, some may turn to commit suicide. Looks like a drug addict victim? It is! Love is an addiction and the sufferer needs lot of determination and hard work to resettle back. It is highly possible with the only requirement of having positive attitude. Once decided the brain stops one may return back to the normal. Love is an addiction and should be kicked hard once it overpowers you! From scientific block,” Love and OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) could have a similar chemical profile. Translation: Love and mental illness may be difficult to tell apart. Translation: Don’t be a fool. Stay away.”

Don’t worry if you have already done the mistake , simply go and see some good movie like Jab We Met or any motivational movie like Life is Beautiful, Life is wonderful and think this is a minor issue and give yourself time and space . By determination and hard work even this OCD can be conquered.




PART V


But the story does not end here. Even in long lasting relationship, why do those vows of staying together for eternity feel like a lifelong burden? Why those flames of passion are smothered in little time. Why love marriages are less successful then arranged marriages? Why we get irritated by the same person whom we used to talk for hours and hours. Why are girlfriends so beautiful and charming and wives so morose and dull? Why after some time (few weeks, months or may be years) that boredom sets in and that love is replaced by a extra baggage? Why commitment ends the passion?

The problem is in the definition of love and our expectations from it. Is love just a “feel good “factor? And the day it ends should we break all our attachments with our beloved? Love as such cannot last forever and it should not , else world will not move a inch forward with everyone just busy loving each other. Passions are not made to lost forever they are just to bring two individuals together. That’s the reason that after some time though passion is releasing same amount of dopamine, our neurons are no more sensitive to it. The brain needs something more and different, as dopamine is released by novelty. “Biochemists say this feverish stage of love typically burns out after few years. Why? Perhaps the brain can’t maintain the intense neural activity of infatuation.” It has to end and people who see their love as this feverish stage only feel disappointed. What they should actually do is to take the definition to new stage of companionship and concern, where people care for each other, give sacrifices for each other and commit to each other. It is this feeling which keeps people together even though that “trans” state is gone and is replaced by some logical thinking. While the flare is required to bring children the commitment is required to bring them up. Problems happen when people don’t accept their new responsibility and want to continue in that “high” state, which is definitely impossible in one relationship. “From physiological point of view, this couple has moved from the dopamine –drenched state of romantic love to the relative quiet of an oxytocin induced attachment. Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of connection and bonding. It is released when we hug our long term spouses, or our children. It is released when a mother nurses her infant.” However unlike dopamine oxytocin is not triggered automatically, it is to be stimulated. Thus love, like happiness, is a state of mind- a feeling, and not an object to be desired and achieved.



PART VI


In orkut, the majority of the females are members of communities –“I will Love you Forever”, “why can’t u see tears in my eyes”, “why did u leave me”, all proclamations of failed love and the pain after that. Most of the guys are also in the same state, they don’t just mention it because of their ego. What are the reasons that we are having more and more failed relationships, divorces and associated pains and problems. Why the life which is bliss becomes a curse to so many people? The first reason is the consumerist environment where we are living now. Everywhere we are told to fall in love, that it is the greatest thing in the world and nothing else matters in life. I don’t say love is not a great feeling but there are billions worldwide who are facing the problems of daily living, love is very secondary to survival. Next problem is having too much expectation in love. Expectations always lead to frustrations, once they are not fulfilled. So while no one is saying to accept a partner without thinking but to look for everything in her is digging your own grave. Once things don’t work out, accept the reality and move on. To feel, life is a waste without love, is the most ignorant thinking. Once married stop looking for something more in your partner, accept the way he/she is and develop a bonding. Things are never easy, especially in today’s busy environment, but one has to find solutions rather than cursing your near and dear ones. Like Ajay Devgan says in Yuva, “love is nothing but a chemical locha”, is very true, both in its starting stage as well as later stage. But what differs is the attitude. Love is born automatically, but to maintain it needs commitment and hard work to nurture!