WHY I AM STILL NOT AN ATHEIST??

in my earlier post faith i have written abt my religious journey from a staunch Hindu supporter to a person of vedic belief . recently i got severe back pain and a person who seems quite logical and well educated suggested me to go to a Japanese religious faith called mihakari . well disgusted with pain and no other treatment working i went for it . however i was not satisfied and had continuous arguments about their beliefs and values. he told me of many miracle and suggested i m not mature enough, not at that spiritual level to realize about god and his goal. still i finally decided abt Buddhas belief, if a thing is not logical for u its not true for u. i said instead of sitting and praying for long hours which should go and do some gd work. but his point that people suffer becoz of their previous births and they are bound to suffer like that was totally unacceptable to me. in that case there would have slavery , total anarchy and injustice all around and so i stopped going there. but again the question was whether god exists or not ,should we have never diminishing faith in him or should i doubt his existence only. the answer came from no other then one of the greatest person born in india : Shaheed bhagat singh:
http://shahidbhagatsingh.org/index.asp?link=atheist

some excerpts from it:
"we ask a few question from the 'believers'.
(1) If, as you believe, there is an almighty, omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent God, who created the earth or world, please let me know why did he create it? This world of woes and miseries, a veritable, eternal combination of number-less tragedies: Not a single soul being perfectly satisfied.
Pray, don't say that it is His Law. If he is bound by any law, he is not omnipotent. He is another slave like ourselves. Please don't say that it is his enjoyment. Nero burnt one Rome. He killed a very limited number of people. He created very few tragedies, all to his perfect enjoyment. And, what is his place in History? By what names do the historians mention him? All the venomous epithets are showered upon him. Pages are blackened with invective diatribes condemning Nero, the tyrant, the heartless, the wicked. One Changexkhan sacrificed a few thousand lives to seek pleasure in it and we hate the very name. Then, how are you going to justify your almighty, eternal Nero, who has been, and is still causing numberless tragedies every day, every hour and every minute?"

"I ask you, what is your answer to the above-mentioned question? You don't believe in previous birth. Like Hindus, you cannot advance the argument of previous misdoings of the apparently quite innocent suffers. I ask you, why did the omnipotent labour for six days to create the world though word and each day to say that all was well? Call him today. Show him the past history. Make him study the present situation. Let us see if he dares to say: "All is well."
From the dungeons of prisons, from the stores of starvation consuming millions upon millions of human beings in slums and huts, from the exploited labourers, patiently or say apathetically watching the procedure of their blood being sucked by the capitalist vampires, and the wastage of human energy that will make a man with the least common sense shiver with horror, and from the preference of throwing the surplus of production in oceans rather than to distribute amongst the needy producers - to the palaces of kings built upon the foundation laid with human bones. . . . let him see all this and let him say: "All is well." Why and wherefore?"

"As regards the origin of God, my own idea is that having realised the limitation of man, his weaknesses and shortcoming having been taken into consideration, God was brought into imaginary existence to encourage man to face boldly all the trying circumstances, to meet all dangers manfully and to check and restrain his outbursts in prosperity and affluence. God, both will his private laws and parental generosity, was imagined and painted in greater details. He was to serve as a deterrent factor when his fury and private laws were discussed, so that man may not become a danger to society. He was to serve as a father, mother, sister and brother, friend and helper, when his parental qualifications were to be explained. So that when man be in great distress, having been betrayed and deserted by all friends, he may find consolation in the idea that an ever-true friend, was still there to help him, to support him and that he was almighty and could do anything. Really that was useful to the society in the primitive age. The idea of God is helpful to main in distress."

YA the whole argument is quite convincing and made me feel that yes its actually my weakness , my fear which is stopping me to accept fully that god doesn't exist!!!! but my good luck is that time has always already provided me with opportunities to practice what i read. this time there was an emotional problem which used to make me sometimes so happy as if i m on the top of the world and soon so disgusted as if there is nothing in life. and one remarkable thing which i noticed during these transitions was that when i m happy a care damn about god and when sad i go back to him for help.
earlier i used to ask god for everything from good marks to save me from my teachers slap as most of us do . but off late after reading gita atleast i have stopped doing that. now i don't ask him for these things. but when i m mentallybogged down i go to him for just moral support and courage and i feel very calm and relaxed. so is bhagat singh wrong, he was not at that spiritual level to realize gods existence . absolutely not, a dying person at an age of 23 will definitely realize god. so does he exist or nor?

well i have found an escape , i am still not an atheist . why? becoz of these reasons:
1 i m mentally not so strong as to stand on my legs and take all pain and sufferings just by myself. i still need some support and who can be better then god.whenever i m bogged down he gives me courage to continue on my path and be firm . never to give up . i can ask him for support any where and any time. and i still need it.

2 i m morally not so strong as to remain totally unaffected by todays western culture. my environment has enough things to derail me from my moral values any time. and again i m not so strong that i m totally unaffected by the ill effects of our new culture and mind u many a times my own mind tries to justify this culture through some bogus means . then there is only 1 thing which can save me, again religion. i m not so motivated as bhagat singh for the cause so as if now bhagvad gita keeps a check on my mind . its a continuous battle with no end and it depends on what i feed more that my crop will depend on . so its better to take take support from gita and keep up ur moral values. to stand in front of lord rams statue and imbibe his values of patience and courage.

3 this is about our culture and traditions. on this diwali i realized with nuclear families and showbiz we ignore our festivals. its cool not to worship , not to go to any temple and celebrate valentines day more then diwali. but these festivals provide a very good platform to strengthen the bond ship among our relations. i still rem the good times we had in our homes during festivals. gng to a temple together, interacting with other relatives nurtures relationship .

4 this is a bit about good calm feeling i feel during meditation. u can take so many inspirational values from ur god and make him ur center to have a good feeling.

but i denounce all dogmas, mysticism , fear and hatred attached with any religion. all human beings are equal and all religions great till they teach u good values . at the same time i will keep on trying to make myself mentally strong so that i don't disturb god again and again.
o god don't test me now. ha ha..:)